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How to Cook a Turkey 101...

Thu Nov 28, 2013 1:51 am

How many minutes per pound? When it's done...

How long to cook the turkey? When it's done...

What temperature to take the bird off the grill? FDA guidelines are stupid. They killed 60,000 people approving Vioxx...Are you going to let them dry out the signature holiday meal? Take the damn bird out at 163 degrees. The damn bird can have a few a few pink spots of blood it's been pasteurized by the heat.

How to season the damn bird...stop with the brine nonsense...and don't salt the heck out of it. Make a simple herb and shallot butter, spread the softened seasoned butter under the skin. Put a few slices of pork fat or bacon on top of the bird....Congratulations now you have a self basting turkey...You will feel like a genius knowing it's absolutely true that self basting turkeys do exist...

Artificial intelligence via pork fat...Whoa! Wow...That's it...Then make some gravy...Follow my advice and you won't even need to file an insurance policy with your gravy provider.

Ambrosia I tell ya! Pure Ambrosia. Oh yeah I did say grill...BBQ the turkey let ladies have dainty quaffs of wine while you manly man with yer apron cook the bird to perfection. Embellish the soul with a few cold ones, it's gonna be the best turkey ever. Smoking wood is optional. Briquettes will provide a hint of smoke.

If I offended any feminists with my manly man comment, I do apologize. I do in fact adore Julia Child and don't care much for these new TV chef broads :)

Re: How to Cook a Turkey 101...

Fri Nov 29, 2013 1:34 pm

I brined mine, yes.

Salt, molasses, juniper, apples, white pepper corn, slow roasted it at 250 for 12hours, then use a blow torch to crisp the skin.

Had a wonderfully moist and delicious bird :)

Re: How to Cook a Turkey 101...

Wed Dec 04, 2013 12:33 am

Nothing wrong with a brine...but it's not necessary. Juniper is awesome...love it. But I prefer it in gin :)

Re: How to Cook a Turkey 101...

Thu Dec 05, 2013 9:20 pm

Juniper is one of my favorite spices to use :) it's amazing when used correctly.

Re: How to Cook a Turkey 101...

Sat Dec 07, 2013 4:12 pm

The aroma of a Juniper reduction is seductive; alluring like the nose of Hendriks... entrancing like the front of Martin Miller's.. satisfying like the finish of a Leopold.

Re: How to Cook a Turkey 101...

Thu Jan 02, 2014 11:37 pm

I've always done our turkey the traditional way, butter and beer :D

I still prefer having two smaller turkeys versus a large one if I have a lot of guests over. Keeps the meat moist and easier to carve.
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